at the moment, under this lamp, as night surrounds me, i swirl with confusion. who am i. what am i doing. who am i listening to. who am i following. who is following me. thousands of bats shriek and stir waves within my skull, and i am left with this hollowness. i was once a whole but now, eaten and discarded, i am but a hollow core. my life trudges on. i smile fakely for eight hours during the day. it scares me how easily that seems to come, in between the yawns of fatigue that finally envelop me once i am back home. after sleep, the guilt of inactivity washes over me, and by the time she arrives home i cannot fake anything any more. i cannot feel any happiness when she returns. and i do not know what that means. or should mean. or whether i should know. or whether i know but i don't want to know. but i should know. we sleep at different times. i don't want to kiss her deeply. i just want to give up. how can this be, when i should be happy? how can i be like this when there is not that much actually going on? what is wrong? i wish i had some answers. that proverbial hand on my shoulder. but surely some guidance must come from within. this seems to be such a lonely journey. who do i want to be?